Who Even Goes There?

Parody of “Bones”, words and music by James Blunt et al

For more information and other parodies, see www.songworm.com
Parody lyrics ©3/22/2018 by Bob Kanefsky. All rights reserved. The copyright of the original lyrics and music remain with the holder(s) of the original copyright.

This song is a based on a joke from the Internet. It’s more juvenile than most of my stuff, so fair warning to get your juveniles out of the room. Anyone who’s offended by or triggered by the mention of everyday male responses or the crude street term for such might also want to take a break. Don’t worry, I’ve provided a nice longwinded introduction to give you a head start. Th title, by the way, comes from the blood-draw scene in the novella by John Campbell that hinges on the monster’s species being completely non-altruistic. So, the thing is, as a frequent blood donor in high school and college and now again since 2016, I’ve always been content to think of it in abstract terms like “altruism” and “utilitarianism”. It won’t significantly hurt me, and it potentially could make a life-or-death difference to another person. I’d be perfectly happy to just think of recipients as vague generic human beings. But both of the blood banks I give to, like probably every single blood bank in the world, insist on “putting a human face on it” by showing me pictures of individual patients and telling me their “stories”. A suspiciously high number of recipients seem to be adorable children, or adults who are either heroes or are doing great things with their lives that were just saved. At the same time, while they’re trying to get potential donors to think concretely about lives it saved, they’re also careful not to make us think about how a transfusion saves a live. It’s not a Cure Light Wounds spell that prevents death and then is over in one melee round when they take the needle out. They never say, “Just think, your red cells could be the very ones powering the brain of the genius who invents sustainable fusion or the cure for cancer, or animating the hands of the next Rembrandt.” Personally, I figure most recipients are ordinary flawed people who go back to their ordinary lives doing ordinary things, and I’ve never dwelled much on it. Until... a friend showed me this post he found on the Internet that frames it as kind of a counting coup. It reads, quote, “Donate my blood? Yeah right, and have my blood swimming around in some other guy’s boner? Nice try, buddy.” So I wrote this song as a response from the hypothetical whose life would be saved by the blood he isn’t donating, who thinks the same way he does.

I have never been a poster boy.
Haven’t always made the proudest choice.
Like when I got into that barroom fight.
I would’ve won, but he had a knife.

Still got a pulse because of just one guy,
One of ten million who give gifts of life.
He’ll never know whose veins it’s flowing through, but
Right now I know which vein it’s going to.

Chorus: Can you feel it, buddy?
Can you feel it, buddy?
Can you feel it? Feel it!  Feel it!
Running through my bo-whoa-ner!
Running through my bo-whoa-ner!
Feel it when my heart starts racin'
Pumping your donation 
To my bo-whoa-ner.

I can count all the things I’ll do.
I may just throw in a good deed or two.
So many things I want to do and see,
But for tonight, there’s just you and me.

Chorus: Can you feel it, buddy?
Can you feel it, buddy?
Can you feel it? Feel it!  Feel it!
Running through my bo-whoa-ner!
Running through my bo-whoa-ner!
Feel it when my heart starts racin'
Pumping your donation 
To my bo-whoa-ner.

I’ll live like a man who’s been reborn,
Great things each and every day!
But first thing of all, I’ll watch some porn.

Can you feel it, buddy?
Can you feel it, buddy?
Can you feel it? Feel it!  Feel it!
Running through my bo-whoa-ner!
Running through my bo-whoa-ner!
Feel it when my heart starts racin'
Pumping your donation 
To my bo-whoa-ner.
Straight into my bo-whoa-ner!
Tell you it’s an odd sensation, knowing your donation’s
In my bo-whoa-ner.
Pumping through my bo-whoa-ner!
Running through my bo-whoa-ner!