Parody of “Threes”, words by
Mercedes Lackey
, music by
Leslie Fish
For
more information
and other parodies, see
www.songworm.com
This parody was sung by
Julia Ecklar
on
Roundworm
Parody lyrics ©12/15/91 by Bob Kanefsky. All rights reserved. The copyright of the original lyrics and music remain with the holder(s) of the original copyright.
| Am Deep | ly | G in | to | Am bank | rupt | E cy | — at | Am last | it | G can | be | Am told | ! — |
| A | C witch | and an as | Am sas | sin hatch a | C plan | to get some | E gold | . |
| They | Am hi | re | C sever | al | Am guards | men, but if | E all | goes as they | Am plan | , |
| They’ll | Am nev | er have to | E pay | ’em: they’ll be | F slaugh | tered | G to | a | Am man | . |
| C Three | holes in their | Am con | tract: termi | C nat | ion for no | E cause | , |
| No | Am work | man’s compen | C sat | ion, and no | Am life | in | G sur | ance | Am clause | . |
Disguised as honest women, then, they haggle and cajole
A payment from a businessman whose first and foremost goal
Is vengeance for a daughter lost in one of the attacks.
He figures he’ll deduct it when the King collects his tax.
Three aren’t what they seem: the guard who guards a secret plot,
The lady who’s no lady, and the maiden who is not.
One among the guardsmen drips with gems of costly size.
The witch perceives he also wears a magical disguise.
You might think this alone would be a giveaway right there,
But they’re too busy plotting out their strategy to care.
Three things are no fun: the answer right before your eyes,
A poker hand that’s folded, and a fight where no one dies.
From ambush, as expected, bandits swarm to claim their prize.
The maiden has a mercenary gleam in her cold eyes.
The lady does her nails while all her guardsmen’s blood is spilled.
They cannot prove their innocence except by being killed.
Three things are most perilous: a victim with a grin,
A secret you’re not in on, and a test that you cannot win.
The maiden watches helplessly throughout the whole attack,
Then hacks up half the hoodlums with one hand behind her back.
The lady makes a gesture and the other half are fried.
The guardsmen gesture back, as they lie dying on the side.
Three things never count on when your life is on the line:
A sword with rust, a bow with cracks, and a woman’s sense of time.
The witch decides what shape the traitor’s punishment will be.
Her positive self-image is revealed for all to see.
The worst thing she can think of’s not a newt or bat or toad.
She turns him to a woman, and then sets him on the road.
Three things that you’ll never find: a hen’s tooth on a goose,
A woman’s sense of humor, and chameleons you turn loose.
Three easy steps to justice were to grab the guards in doubt,
Then butcher the whole bunch and let the Goddess sort them out.
They spare a few sad glances at the loyal men cut down...
And then they count their booty and ride laughing back to town.
Three survived unscathed: the mage whose sword knows every trick,
The fighter who’s a cleric, and the guard who called in sick.
