Parody of “Falling Free”, words and music by
Tom Smith
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Parody lyrics ©11/1/02 by Bob Kanefsky. All rights reserved. The copyright of the original lyrics and music remain with the holder(s) of the original copyright.
One to start a family. Two to start a clan.
Three to start a colony as quickly as I can.
Four to fill a city. Five to fill the sticks.
Don’t know about Earthers, but Centauri men have six.
Mother always told me not to touch myself down there.
Or there or there or there or there and certainly not there.
And after I found out what they could do,
I learned most other species have them too.
Pak’ma’ra have seven pairs, but only in their prime.
Human men use one of theirs to piss away their time.
With those appalling thoughts to haunt my night,
I sometimes wonder whether Mom was right.
But O Great Maker! Gods of my House!
I didn’t need so many. Just one for each spouse.
Why are we so different from Minbari and the Narn?
It looked like a spaghetti fest, that time behind the barn.
We’ve got one that’s like a handshake. One that’s like a kiss.
One to show we’re serious, and one in case we miss.
One for in the back seat. One for at the flicks.
Don’t know about Earthers, but Centauri men have six.
Father used to tell me: trust the wisdom in my hearts.
But sometimes they’re outvoted by my more prehensile parts.
Like six unruly pets I cannot train,
Not one of them’s connected to my brain.
O Great Maker! Li, god of lust!
Which organs can I count on? Which instincts can I trust?
They are just my tools; I’m the one who runs the show.
Or so I keep on telling them; I’m not so sure they know.
I’ve got one to take it slowly. One to take it now.
One that’s like a tentacle and one that’s like a plow.
One you have to rotate counter-clockwise ’til it clicks.
Don’t know about Earthers, but Centauri men have six.
Don’t you believe me? Do you think it’s odd?
Here is a statue of a nude Centauri god.
They made us in their image,
They crafted every part.
They gave us all their attributes,
And I don’t know where to start.
Those that came before just want a good night’s sleep in peace.
But those just getting going are demanding some release!
I’ve got one to wriggle sideways. One to bridge the span.
One to sense dentata and avoid them if it can.
One to sample choices. One for what it picks.
Don’t know about Earthers, but Centauri men have six.
We’ve got one to please a partner. One to please ourselves.
One to please the other five, and one to reach high shelves.
One to please each other. One to please the chicks.
Don’t know about Earthers, but Centauri men have six.
We need one to scoop the flour. One to crack the egg.
One to pour the cream before it runs down someone’s leg.
One to smear the oil. One to stir the mix.
Don’t know about Earthers, but Centauri men have six.
Make it one for Washington and all his gallant men!
And one for the girl that once was mine!
Make it one for the darling boy I’ll never see again!
That’s three left for the blacksmith of Brandywine!