Pagan Bargain Lots

Parody of “Lady Marmalade”, words and music by Bob Crewe and Kenny Nolan

For more information and other parodies, see
Parody lyrics ©2019-09-13 by Bob Kanefsky. All rights reserved. The copyright of the original lyrics and music remain with the holder(s) of the original copyright.

Pay!  This is sold, this is sold, this is owed, mister.
Pay!  This is sold, this is sold, this is owed, mister.

He saw her outside of the new Ancient Ways,
Hawking her wares on the street.
She said, “Hi there, hey Mike.
You see something you like?”

Chorus: Kitschy witchy chakra tchotchkes.
Kitschy witchy aqua beads.
Votive totem candelabras.
Neo-pagan bargain lots.

Voulez-vous acheter des bibelots de moi?
Voulez-vous acheter des bibelots?

[pronounced “voo-lay-voo ash’-tey day BEE-blow, day mwa”, pardon my French.]

He gathered her goods while she rang them up.
That boy drank all that ceremonial wine
From a Black Sabbath cup,
Which she also rang up.


Pouches of herbs meant for money spells.
Sippy cup shaped like a skull.
With no way to defend
He continued to spend
More! More! More!

Now he’s back home with its mortgages,
Spreading out cards for his bills.
There are times he of course 
Feels some buyer’s remorse:
For … for … for …


The moral of the story is: If you’re tempted to buy a charm that’s supposed to attract money into your life, and the are two dozen of them on the shelf, ask the shopkeeper how you’re supposed to activate it when you get home. Is there an incantation to turn it on? A seal to break? A salt crystal to remove? If she says “No, it’s ready to go, just put it on a shelf in your house and it will attract money without you doing anything,” then you should take a good look at the 17 items already in your shopping basket and ask yourself: exactly what made you decide to buy them, again?