^Kiss o_{f the Can}opia_{n Spider Woman}

Reprinted from Songworm 2

Parody of “My Summer Vacation”, words and music by Heather Rose Jones

For more information and other parodies, see www.songworm.com
Parody lyrics ©1988-03-09 by Bob Kanefsky. All rights reserved. The copyright of the original lyrics and music remain with the holder(s) of the original copyright.

When

G I

was a young man, and

D star

flight took longer,

And

Em ship

crews were

C strong

er and

D small

and all-

B7 male

,

They would

C freeze

all the

Am pas

sengers

G cold

er than

G snow

men

And

F#7 stow

them before we set

Bm sail

.

They would

G pack

up the ship with a

F#m car

go of women,

All

G swim

min’ in nitrogen’s

C# chill

:

Less

D wa

ter, and fewer to

A feed

,

And no need for the

E Pill

.

But the

G Per

sonnel people were

D clev

er and slimy,

Re

Em cruit

ing some

C lime

ys they’d

D bad

ly mis

B7 led

.

The

C poor

fellows

Am thought

they’d have

G hun

dreds of

G bea

uties

Whose

F#7 dut

y was warming their

Bm bed

.

They would

G sign

up so fast it would

F#m leave

your head spinning,

Just

G skim

ming the fine print in

C# haste

.

And

D all

of those hot, lusty

A men

Would then go to

E waste

.

Now, I

G won’t

stand for wasting our

D nat

ural resources;

Our

Em sex

ual

C for

ces must

D not

be i

B7 gnored

.

With

C this

thought to

Am guide

me I

G soon

made my

G mind

up:

I

F#7 signed

up to join them on

Bm board

.

For eight

G men

in space ship’s a

F#m small

slice of heaven,

Though

G sev

en may think it’s pure

C# hell

.

Their

D frust

rated energies

A grew

,

Which suited me

E well

.

Now,

G Ben

got his kicks lifting

D half

-ton containers

A

Em might

y big

C strain

, though not

D quite

like it

B7 sounds

.

I’d

C rub

him with

Am men

thol, re

G liev

ing the

G ach

ing

Of

F#7 tak

ing on two hundred

Bm pounds

.

He’d be

G dressed

in his shorts, for I’d

F#m let

him leave that on,

As

G flat

on his belly he

C# lay

.

I got

D good

at soothing the

A ache

,

And making Ben

E gay

.

And

G Sam

was our skipper, and

D he

liked to wrestle.

One

Em room

in our

C ves

sel was

D just

big e

B7 nough

.

He

C won

every

Am round

from the

G day

that I

G met

him

I

F#7 let

him, to make him feel

Bm tough

.

So for

G months

he and I matched our

F#m skill

and our muscles,

In

G tus

sles and warm, sweaty

C# duels

.

’Til

C one

day we tried out some

A holds

Not told in the

E rules

.

And

G John

had a penchant for

D long

, steamy showers.

He’d

Em stay

in for

C ho

urs if

D ra

tions al

B7 lowed

.

He

C thought

up the

Am plan

before

G I

could be

G gin

to,

And

F#7 in

to the stall we’d both

Bm crowd

.

Some

G warm

, soapy back-rubs while

F#m pool

ing our rations,

And

G pass

ion was not far a

C# way

.

Those

D pre

cious drops matting our

A hair

Lent a flair to our

E play

.

Now,

G Max

was the pilot in

D charge

of our flight there,

But

Em suf

fered from

C night

mares that

D trou

bled him

B7 much

,

Where he’d

C chase

pretty

Am wo

men, all

G laugh

ing and

G tea

sing,

And

F#7 freeze

them to death with his

Bm touch

.

I

G once

passed his cabin as

F#m he

woke up screaming

From

G dream

ing, and asked what was

C wrong

.

And he

D moved

into my room next

A door

Before very

E long

.

Two

G more

of my crewmates found

D sol

ace in whiskey,

A

Em po

tent and

C ri

sky but

D time

-honored

B7 drug

.

I would

C drink

mine and

Am wait

, and their

G hard

shells would

G sof

ten,

And

F#7 oft

en they’d beg for a

C# hug

.

And when

G whis

key and loneliness

F#m loose

inhibitions,

Con

G di

tioning soon will give

C# way

.

For a

D drink

is a less loyal

A friend

Than men any

E day

.

I

G found

the last holdout a

D way

from his duties

With the

Em cold

sleeping

C bea

uties, which

D I

think is

B7 sick

.

You’d

C think

in a

Am storm

he’d find

G ports

to re

G fuel

at,

Not

F#7 drool

at a Popsicle

Bm stick

.

So I

G fed

him with fantasies,

F#m litt

le by little;

I’d

G tit

illate, torment, and

C# tease

.

And

D long

before one month went

A by

,

Had the guy on his

E knees

.

Now

G six

of my crewmates are

D hap

pily married.

Their

Em Christ

mas cards

C car

ry re

D ports

of their

B7 joys

.

For you

C don’t

under

Am go

any

G change

when you’re

G lo

nely;

It’s

F#7 on

ly that boys will be

Bm boys

.

But that

G last

macho holdout who

F#m yield

ed much slower,

I

G know

why the thought made him

C# wince

.

We’ve been

D lov

ers and having a

A ball

For all the years

E since

.

But

G now

times are changing, and

D star

flight is rapid,

And

Em ship

crews are

C vap

id, paid

D on

ly to

B7 wait

On

C rich

lady

Am tou

rists with

G cheese

dip and

G Ruff

les,

Or

F#7 truff

les served chilled on a

Bm plate

.

But

G back

in the old days when

F#m ships

were much smaller,

They

G al

ways were manned by young

C# men

.

We’d

D get

to the end of the

A line

,

And I’d sign up

E again

...