Parody of “The Girl That's Never Been”, words and music by
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Parody lyrics ©4/19/06 by Bob Kanefsky. All rights reserved. The copyright of the original lyrics and music remain with the holder(s) of the original copyright.
Parody of “The Girl That's Never Been”, words and music by Michelle Dockrey
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Based on the song Have Some Madeira, M’Dear by Michael Flanders of Flanders and Swann.
She was seventeen or so, with a pure and untouched glow
That he ogled while extinguishing the lamps.
Though decrepit and retired, he’d suggested she admire
His collection of unperforated stamps.
Not a thing did she suspect when she came up to inspect
His collection like a moth drawn to a flame.
Then he offered her a drink, and informed her with a wink
That it’s a wine made on an island and Madeira is its name.
Save me, save me, I’ll lose my virginity.
I don’t even know where it’s been.
Save me, save me, I’m lost to depravity,
And I swore I’m a girl who’d never sin.
Not what she had had in mind, but she drank it, to be kind,
Unaware of how imbibing leads to sin.
(Close your eyes and swallow, now. Try to gag it down somehow.)
Then she found he’d promptly filled her glass again.
Seven refills for the worse, she retrieved her coat and purse,
Thinking back for words of wisdom to recall.
Warnings can be good advice, if instructions are precise,
But the ones her mother gave her don’t mean anything at all!
Just a dissipated creep who wears a Rolex on his wrist,
On her nerves, too much cologne, and down her power to resist.
Just an old licentious lecher with a wet bar in his pad.
And who can know how many girls he’s had?
Now he’s not like decent folks, for he’s fond of telling jokes.
Not so clean and not so sober anymore.
That’s amazing,’ said the nun, went the punch line ending one,
It was nothing like a riding crop before.’
Now her memories are confused about just how she refused,
And how seemly or how desperate her retreat.
Was he miffed when she refused? Did she leave his door unused?
Did she turn down the wrong hallway, his advances, or the sheet?
And she woke up, wearing nothing but a grin.