Curried Seal With Ice Cream

Parody of “Arthur Curry”, words and music by Rand Bellavia and Adam English

For more information and other parodies, see www.songworm.com
Parody lyrics ©3/14/2009 by Bob Kanefsky. All rights reserved. The copyright of the original lyrics and music remain with the holder(s) of the original copyright.

After I found out that there was a non-zero overlap between Child Ballad and Ookla fans who appreciated “The Child of Arthur Curry,” I wrote the reverse mash-up, which was a lot more work and a lot more fun. (I’d already used up the obvious title for the other one. If you’re wondering why seals go with ice cream, add “penguin” to your search terms.)

Goblins got an attitude.  Everybody takes ’em seriously.
And leprechauns never bring you the money?
I doubt General Mills would agree.
All the other members of the faerie folk
Say I got useless magic powers and my life’s a joke.
But I know there will come a day
When a certain hot Norwegian nurse is gonna hear me say:

Chorus: “I am a selkie, ma’am.   So you wanna have a kid with me?
I’m just a man on the land, but I am a beast beneath the sea.
Let’s try making love underwater!
It’s more fun than on the ground...
I am a selkie, ma’am.
You wanna go mess around?”

There are days I swear, with my skin peeled off,
I would rather turn into potato salad
Than the doomed half-human deadbeat dad
From the hundred and thirteenth Child Ballad!

[Disclaimer: “deadbeat dad” sounded good, but is hardly fair. After all, the poor guy paid child support, had joint custody, took care of the kid’s education, and gave the mother his address.]

Brownies are the tidy sort, if you want a guy who’ll clean the house.
If you love fresh homemade bread, take an elf to bed;
But you gotta want more than that from a spouse.
Faeries have wands, but I’m not up for three wishes.
The first time I get shot at, I just know I’ll feed the fishes.
I may not live forever, so let’s make it quick.
I’m a little lesser than a satyr but greater than a pixie stick.

(Chorus)

Selkies know our kind are hot, so we kind of sleep around a lot.
No one would bed a gnome or faerie.
Even Goodman Brown and I had a thing on the side ’til I learned the reason:
I remind him of some girl he tried to marry:

“You picked a fine time to leave me, you seal.
Twelve half-breed children who want fish every meal.
You’re back in the water, or so says our daughter,
Who found the skin I tried to steal.
You picked a fine time to leave me, you seal.”

Halflings filmed a trilogy, even though they don’t know how to morph.
And all the second-rate fay creatures got speaking roles —
Even an elf and a dwarf.
But not me; I didn’t make the cut,
though my resume is longer than my you-know-what.
They’ll find out what they’re missing if they write me in:
An actor who isn’t bashful to show his skin.

(Chorus)